Patrick

He was nice and had a great job (i.e., rich). He said I was so much prettier in person than in my pictures. Um... thanks...? Whenever I said something funny (often) he would reach across the table and pinch my arm. I'm pretty sure he was flirting, but all I could think about was the huge f*cking bruise on my arm. Nice guy, but no spark and definitely no butterflies.

Ryan

He had VW van with a couch, a table and no heat. We (I) bought beer and drove to a waterfront park. He made me laugh, was a good kisser and promised he wouldn't kill me - all wins in my book. But as he told me at least 12 times, he was a broke college kid and was moving back to his parents house (at age 32) because he had roommate problems... to go along with all the others. All I know is this b*tch ain't one.

Darek

He was nice and funny. Talked about his job a lot. Sober cute is not like drunk cute. Doesn't ask questions about me and I'm the most important. Clothes from Rock N Republic so maybe rich.

Dana

Initial stage: Prospect looked good - complementary, attentive, and a willingness to please.

Middle stage: Swift decline - refusal to text, affinity for playing in the sand, and inability to consider feelings not his own.

End stage: Overwhelmed - first real conversation of relationship ended in massive brain overload.

Diagnosis: Aspergers.

Vegas Phil

You know what every girl goes to Vegas looking for? Mr. Right....Now. Not Mr. We Only Have 3 Days Together so Let's Spend Every Second With Each Other.

-This is a guest post from my dear friend - who shall remain nameless since she is currently unavailable. B*tch. JK, of course. Maybe.

Vegas Matthew

Princeton grad, well dressed and ready to make out on the dance floor. He asked me if I wanted kids, how many and if I wanted boys or girls - while we were at the strip club. On our last day - despite my best efforts, I was caught sneaking out of my hotel on my way to his. Unfortunately, my friends didn't stop me and allowed our whirlwind romance to continue. Though I am not sure I could count 'it' as romance, or whirlwind for that matter. In fact, I didn't count 'it' at all.

Grouper 2

Grouper 1

The three of us girls were dressed and ready to meet Mr. Right. With two of us at 5'9", and the other at 5'11", we were basically models. We arrived to the date and met our potentials, standing at 5'6", 5'8" and quite possibly, 5'9". Awkward much? We sat around chatting and discovered that they worked for Microsoft, one specifically for Bing. After laughing at that, someone said, "I don't even know how to get to Bing." My response of, "You Google it" made people laugh and ensured that Bing and I were not going to hit it off. At our next spot, a karaoke bar, the guys picked songs for us to sing (that we didn't know), and we picked for them (that they didn't know... although, really? Who doesn't know TLC or the Whistle song?). We drank some, Instagram'd our Grouper Gram, and vowed to hang out again. Did we? Did we not? Let me just solve this mystery for you right now - we did not. Don't get me wrong - They were great guys... just not 'our' great guys.