Jeff

June, 2013

We met online and he seemed nice, so I agreed to meet him. His profile said he was 6'2" and a big guy (I don't discriminate). When we texted for a few days before the date, it sounded promising - told me about the concert he attended ($), winning at poker ($$), hosting a BBQ at his house ($$$)... all things I am into ($$$$).

So I got dressed into my finest date clothes and headed to Ballard for our 8pm meeting time. Things were fine until I actually met him and realized that his perception must be skewed. By 6'2", he meant 5'9". By big guy, he meant big, big guy. By $$$, he meant 'I'm paying for this with my groupon.' Needless to say, that despite his offers to cook me scallops  (WTF?!), my 'sore throat' and 'headache' unfortunately ended the date early. And by early, I meant 8:30pm.

Tim

June, 2013

Our first date wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. He was tall, had an accent, and paid for the drinks. Oh wait, then he bought be fro-yo! I knew there was a reason I agreed to a second date. For our second date activity, he gave me 3 choices. I ranked them 1-3, and he decided on my least favorite. No worries, a comedy show at the Parlor date couldn't be all that bad. No, wait. Yes it was. From the terrible restaurant to start (we went dutch: $80 total bill, my $13 salad and $9 wine... mmmkay), to the most awkward hug/lean away so you don't even think about kissing me end.

We got to the Parlor early, and that is when I realized that I was annoyed and having no fun whatsoever. (Please note that while this date was going on, my BFF's hot older bro and his ENTIRE soccer team were just down the street...) Now, usually I don't like to give line-by-line dialogue because frankly, it can be boring as hell. But this conversation is worth it: (Sitting in booth, me wanting to stop looking at his face.)

B: Well, let's go get in line!
T: Ok, but it's not going to open for a while.
B: That's ok! We can chat and dance!
(We get in line. It doesn't move.)
B: Wow, this line is slow! Maybe we should sit down again.
T: I know, that is why I told you we shouldn't get in line yet and we should just sit back down.
B: ...the fuck you just say to me? (Ok, not really)

Fast forward to us redoing the picture he took of us because he didn't think he looked good enough. Fast forward through a hilarious comedian. Fast forward to him going to use the bathroom and asking me to wait so we can meet Tony and take a picture with him. Fast forward to there is no way in hell that is happening.

"He is such a guy. They need like 30 balls to realize they have enough for a game."

Jordan (#1)

June, 2013.

This entry should be called: Don't Ignore The Sings. 

1. We met online, clicked and started texting. He was a stand up comedian, which sounded promising since I am hilarious myself. Then he called me, and after we chatted for a bit, I knew we wouldn't workout. Knowing after one 5 minute call, there's your sign.

2. But, being new to the dating scene, I thought it rude to cancel so we meet at Greenlake (which obviously means I was in workout gear). Workout gear on the first date, there's your sign. 

3. Upon seeing him I realized he was in the friend zone right away, yet we still walked and talked. Friend zone in minute zero, there's your sign. 

4. He bought me fro-yo, told me I was pretty, but was pretty offended when I said, 'you know, for a stand up comedian, you're not very funny.' Offended by the truth, there's your sign. 

5. When he went to kiss me goodnight, I started laughing uncontrollably and couldn't stop because I just kept thinking WTF. Kissing = WTF, there's your sign. 

6. Obviously we hung out a few more times (#uneventful, #notfunny, #yourenotmissinganything) as friends because he clearly couldn't resist my charm. We eventually stopped talking... Well, I eventually stopped returning his texts because they only contained emoticons of ghosts. Contacting someone like me in this situation, there's your sign.