Please be photoshopped...

What was the goal here...? Girls love this kind of thing...? No.

Haaaaaay!

Because I'm happy.... 

Rock, paper, wait... What?

What are you trying to cut? #gangstaselfie

Dan

I'll keep this short. We spent 3 days texting, and this dude was incredibly tall and funny. We were supposed to meet on Thursday, but he decided he couldn't wait (who can blame him) and wanted to see me on Wednesday. We met, had some drinks (I had several, he had none) and decided I was too intoxicated to walk home alone. As you can probably foresee by now, he came inside to see my apartment. [Now kids, if you've ever wanted a reason to not drink, let this be your lesson.] He started kissing me and it was awful. He tried to take it to the next level and that was worse than awful for two reasons: one, he was terrible at this and two, he made me realize that height can no longer be an indicator for... things. Maybe he was friends with KC. 

Needless to say, I cancelled our Thursday date and asked him if had any interest in dating because I was not into just hooking up. He said, 'I think we are looking for different things.' Translation: He was looking to hook up and I was not into having to look for things. 

Evan

Our first date wasn't magical, but I was buzzed so it wasn't terrible. Our second date is when, despite what he thinks (oh, just keep reading...) is when the poor kid fell in love with moi. Fast forward to valentines day, which was also known as our fourth day, wait, reread that - fourth DAY - of knowing each other. He went all out for me (see photo evidence below). He made me coconut shrimp, we went to my favorite bar in Ballard, and the best part - he got so shmammered (new word, tm) that nothing else, and I mean nothing, had to happen. Score one for girls everywhere!

But then things went south, fast. And not like the good 'went south' either. We couch potatoe'd the next day per his request, and things were fine... Until he got up, got dressed and got really irritated with me. (Not sure why... I mean, I did take a 2 min call from my ex, but that cannot be it...). Since I'm a genius, I read the mood and decided to go home. He walked me to my car and the following exchange happened. This is not in the correct order, but it doesn't matter - that wouldn't help this make sense anyways. 

1. I just really like you and I think you're beautiful and amazing. (Duh.)
2. For future reference, you shouldn't take a call from you ex while your dating someone new. (Wait, we're dating?)
3. I don't think this is working and I've know that we weren't right for each other since date 2. (Oh, yeah... Suuuure.)
4. I think you're amazing and that we could really work out long term. (Well...)
5. You're just not very affectionate. And you flinch every time I try to touch you. (I actually said this: when you sneak up behind me, I'm going to flinch... Because I'm human.) 
6. I'm not drunk. (I think the 8 beer cans in your apartment beg to differ.) 
7. I'm sorry, for everything. Can we just go back to before this conversation? (No. Absolutely not. No.) 
8. Well, at least you can put this on your blog. (Fuck yeah I can.)